i've never been too good with names but i remember faces

i wrote this more than a week ago, and have debated since whether to post it or not. it is more intimate than i feel comfortable with the world reading, but i think its important for people to know. so i am posting. sorry its so long.
fifteen months ago, i went through the most difficult experience of my life. while most of the circumstances were my own fault, it hurt worse than i ever imagined anything could. for about two weeks, i was reading the bible and praying more than ever before. but it didn't make me stop hurting. so i got mad at god began to do things to stop feeling. i numbed myself as much as i could and ignored god. i decided that god didn't want me to be happy, and that his "plans for good" were for the good of his purpose and will. ao i stopped looking for the joy or happiness in life. in some ways, you could say it helped. but i knew my attitude and behavior patterns were wrong. i just didn't care. i had to be fake with everyone who asked me how i was. "i'm fine, how are you?" if anyone really wanted to know details, i'd tell them about my job or school.last weekend i went on a women's retreat with my church and something stood out to me. i remember seeing a scripture that i'd never seen before that said that god wanted, in essence, me to be glad, that he wanted to give me good gifts and blessings. i realize that doesn't mean i'll be happy always. but its better than thinking some people were meant to be miserable. there was a lot of focus also on forgiveness and renewing one's heart, and i felt like god was telling me "its time to end this." it was a hard weekend, but at the end, i felt like jacob must have after he'd wrestled with god. and like jacob's hip, i know there are some things that will never be perfect here. god didn't fix everything or make it all better, but he told me he still loves me. and at least i'm not ignoring him anymore. so i'm sorry for everyone i've been so fake with. i didn't want you to know.